Self-Sabotage: Breaking Patterns that Break Relationships

As I finally slow down my body’s rhythm enough to sit down and write this newsletter, I am having bittersweet feelings as Summer is drawing close to an end. I don’t know about you, but this Summer has flown by for me, and it has been one of rough transitions, unexpected challenges, and chaotic energy. Summer energy has an electric dew to it- one that can be quite penetrative and forceful. As the motion of things start to slow and settle back down into the dark earth for tender recalibration, I am feeling grateful for the nourishing things that have arisen from this Summer of movement. I have fallen into and am embodying the feelings of deepening devotion in partnership, trust, and transparency. Ryan and I have had our asses handed to us from the moment we set out on our journey of union in the flesh (moving in together), but our love is blooming, my heart is softening, and the visionary seeds for our future are being harvested every intentional (hardworking) step we take.

This month’s newsletter is about a topic very close to my heart, one that is as tender as warm, salted skin. Self-sabotage is or has been a painful part of most of our realities either currently or sometime in the past so let’s explore the layers of this uncomfortable experience together, shall we?

Let’s first explore the definition of self-sabotage so we can start off with a general understanding and resonance:

Self-sabotage refers to behaviors or actions that undermine your own goals, success, or well-being, often subconsciously. It's when you engage in actions or patterns of thinking that directly counteract your efforts to achieve something positive. This can manifest in various ways, such as procrastination, perfectionism, self-doubt, or engaging in harmful habits.

I would personally add that self-sabotage holds us back from growth. Can you remember a time where you were in relationship with someone, or even just exploring a potential connection, things were going well, but at the first signs of challenge, opposing beliefs, or conflict, you fled-

the classic “fuck this I’m not dealing with this shit”.

Now, there are situations and people that are genuinely unhealthy, dangerous, and completely not worth our time, but these aren’t the ones we are going to be focusing on today. The situations we are going to be focusing on today are ones that are actually just human, in which our response to them is based in either trauma, unhealthy coping mechanisms, or nervous system fracture.

Let me begin by sharing a bit about my experience with self-sabotage, and by sharing that self-sabotage happens almost always outside of our conscious awareness… it is a major shadow expression. For most of my life I have found myself in either extremely overly dependent (I don’t like to use the term co-dependent in a negative context) relationships, or casual flings where I would lie to myself that the emotional distance between us didn’t bother me while subconsciously manipulating the situation to make it so they were always in the wrong to protect myself from any responsibility in it…when I could have just, you know, realized it wasn’t for me and moved on. In this way I was out-sourcing myself, my needs, my autonomy to this other person, creating confusion, discomfort, and insecurity in myself.

From my experience, self-sabotage is a very sneaky one. The awareness of it often doesn’t arise until it has almost created an explosive situation either internally in the way of loss of identity or compassion for oneself, or externally in the way of an explosive breakup, ego takeover, or big fight.

The main area of self-sabotage I want to speak to is how detrimental this behavior can be to our intimate relationships. Self-sabotage can show up in small or big ways, and when it shows up inside of our romantic relationships, we could potentially lose something great. In most relationships, we often come to a point of “do I want to keep doing this?”, this is the fragile space in which most of our fears of deeper intimacy creep in, and we self-sabotage. Now, hear me out, every situation is unique, and Lord knows there are relationships that need to be left. But again, I am speaking to those true love connections, the ones we often think are supposed to come without challenge, confrontation, or shadow. Every connection calls for its own discernment, nobody can tell you what to do when it comes to who you choose to share your life with. As complex human beings, we come with all sorts of past imprints, traumas, programming, and neuroses, and understanding this is the first step to not sabotaging true love connections. Each of us, coming with our own “baggage” per se, have a lot of fear of loss, of abandonment, of not being good enough. We must realize this is the case and seek the proper support so we aren’t alone in managing the heavier emotional stuff. A big thing that has helped me in moving away from self-sabotaging behaviors in the past has been to cultivate a deeper safety in myself. This looks like self-inquiry to help me better understand where my boundaries lie, practicing movement in a way that brings me back into my body, setting aside pockets of time or even a full day or two to take care of my mind and body i.e., cooking healthy meals, being in nature, exercising, journaling, quiet time, reading, listening to an audio book or podcast, self-pleasuring, extended self-care routine, are just some examples of what I do.

So, what are some other ways we can avoid these types of behaviors that we often don’t intentionally partake in or even realize are playing out until after it effects our lives in a drastic way? The best thing we can do is to practice deeper presence with ourselves, below are a few journaling prompts that can aid you in this.

Journaling prompt 1.

Be still and find a part of you that outsources itself to a. please others and b. expects others to please you and your needs. Remember, it is okay to rely on others and have expectations of them in friendship and in partnership but dig deeper than that here. Go down into your root, what inside of you yearns for your tender care and attention?

Journaling prompt 2.

Where in the past may I have sabotaged myself unconsciously? What did I learn from that experience?

Journaling prompt 3.

What are some markers I am going to look for moving forward that may point to me partaking in self-sabotaging behaviors? Be honest with yourself, be gentle, then write down counter-behaviors/actions that feel more rooted, aligned, and supportive.

Lastly, remember that you are not alone in these experiences, and there is no shame in them. All we can continue to do is know ourselves and honor ourselves so we can show up in healthy ways inside of relationships.

Warm regards,